But wait, what’s this about not having a decent connection? Well, I’m glad you asked. Bell Telephone Ontario took it upon themselves to remove me from the internet. Perhaps they wanted me silenced because this blog is a little too… on the edge. A little… too close to home. Used a few too many… ellipses.
My phone service started acting strange a couple of weeks ago. I was unable to receive any phonecalls without my internet connection going wonky. Worse, the phone calls went into some strange, telephonic limbo where everything sounded all echoey. Kind of like Tron. The repair dude never showed up.
The problem got worse when I phoned them back this week and asked them to come and fix it. As is their way, I had to be on the premises in case they needed in to… chew around in the walls. The guy showed up in the morning, and I was able to see him on his way out in the truck for a fraction of a second. He yelled out the window at me, “Bad card in Central Office. Call Bell! The Early Bird Catches The Worm!” That last sentence he actually yelled as he was half way down the street and I was running after him breathlessly trying to stop him. “Don’t Go! What worm?” I pleaded.
My phone was now completely dead. I phoned Bell. They asked me to stay home in case someone needed to get in.
By 7PM Thursday night, I realized there was nobody coming to fix my phone so I phoned them back. I got a little terse with their telephonic operator at this point and demanded my phone get fixed. “I’m really sorry Boolean. Thank you for calling Boolean,” the drone pleaded.
“STFU, Noob!” I hollered. “I din’t fon joo to make you feel bettah, bich!” I left the operator in tears but she promised there would be someone here the next day to get everything fixed. I told her I didn’t think they needed to come into the premises because the problem was on their end. “There’ll be someone there tomorrow to look at your phone lines,” she sobbed.
Next day, someone did indeed come to my house. Around 4pm. By this time, I’d grown a huge beard, aged 20 years and was extremely grateful to hear a human voice. (I’d had no internets, you see). He asked me to explain the problem and my first encounter with a Bell tech. It was like recounting the tale of a great wizard who’d passed through these parts long ago. The tech nodded. “There was no reason to come over here. The problem’s with the Central Office. I’ll go see what’s up. They’re lazy.” Yes, he actually said that and I had no reason to doubt him. I was a recent convert to his heretical belief system.
Within a couple of hours, the phone was finally working. But wait! Wasn’t there supposed to be an internet on this thing? Yes, there was, dear reader, but no internets were present. A phone call to my hapless provider had me flipping switches on my modem, plugging it into my laptop and going through their assinine checklist. “I assure, Dear Internet Provider. I am no ordinary noob,” I implored them.
“Silence, NOOB! Thou wilt do as thee are tolde!” the tech support guy bellowed.
I cowered and continued through his checklist. “Well, we’re gonna have to call Bell on Monday. They may want to send a tech to your house. You gonna be around?”
I started yelling at this point. I kept yelling and yelling and yelling. Until I woke up, much later. In this place! They tell me I will be happy here and that there will always be an internet for me to use.