Bell said:
When you signed up for your Bell TV service you were issued a personal identification number (PIN).
Do you know your Bell TV 4 digit PIN?

You said:
Yes

Bell said:
Please enter your system 4 digit PIN

You said:
****

Bell said:
Thank you for choosing the Bell TV Self Care. With this function you’re able add an additional receiver to your account. Please provide your receiver number. To find this number: Turn on your receiver Use your remote Select MENU, then option 6, 1, 3.

Bell said:
You must provide a response to this question before proceeding.

You said:
*****-** *** ? ***

Bell said:
I’m sorry, your receiver number *****-** is invalid.
Would you like to try again?

You said:
Yes

Bell said:
Please provide your receiver number. To find this number: Turn on your receiver Use your remote Select MENU, then option 6, 1, 3.

You said:
R00*******

Bell said:
Please give me your SmartCard number. To find this number: Turn on your receiver Use your remote Press MENU then Option 6, 1, 3. Type in the number starting with the first digit after the ‘S.’

You said:
S0*******

Bell said:
Is this a replacement receiver under warranty?

You said:
No

Bell said:
Please provide the location of the receiver in your home.

You said:
Other

Bell said:
Your transaction has been entered. Your receiver will be activated within 24 hours. Please leave your receiver plugged in.
Would you like to participate in a brief survey regarding Self Care?

You said:
Yes **** OH GOD YES! ****

Bell said:
Do you prefer to process your request using a question and answer format or filling out a form?

You said:
Prefer Form

Bell said:
What is the purpose of the TV screen to the right of the main window?

You said:
Have no idea what the purpose is *** WTF? ***

Bell said:
Interaction with the tool to add a receiver was intuitive for me to understand.

You said:
Strongly Disagree *** !!! ***

Bell said:
Do you intend to use this tool the next time you want to add a receiver?

You said:
No

Bell said:
Did you successfully complete your add a receiver using this tool?

Bell said:
You must provide a response to this question before proceeding.

You said:
No *** THERE IS NO RESPONSE FOR I DON’T KNOW!!! ***

Bell said:
Thank you for using Bell TV Self Care.

**** FFFFFFUUUUUUUUU ****

Earlier this month, I took the bold leap into anonymity and killed¹ my Facebook account. I’d been wrestling with quitting for awhile, feeling that the whole system was dumb and lacked respect for its users and their privacy. I made a bit of a big deal about it among my 15 or so friends who I was able to coax into a group I’d created for just this purpose. For the week I was there, it was probably the most fun I’d had with Facebook since I joined. For that week, I was a small-time cult leader enjoining my followers to drink the kool-aid and delete themselves.

As far as I know, I am the only one who drunk the kool-aid. The rest of them are still there, waiting for the spaceship. But at least they have each other.

Facebook is a fad. It is currently popular with students and people who feel the need to connect themselves to others who are similarly uncomfortable with solitude. It is a place for the people to be able to write things and share their comments and photos with others in a spammy, intrusive way that doesn’t require the use of such technical antiquities like Email or Phone Calls. When someone does something, everybody knows about it. One might ask, why would anyone voluntarily put so much personal information about themselves into a closed system? Why not put your energy into updating your address book, or writing a blog? I think it’s because Facebook is the Easy Button of the internet. Also, it is a colossal waste of time and energy. I find myself cringing when I hear people use the verb-form “Facebooking” in everyday conversation. In any given public place, you are almost guaranteed to overhear people discussing Facebook given a suitable span of time. My aunt uses Facebook. It is not cool.

I asked a friend of mine (who still hasn’t deleted himself) last night while playing a game of Halo why he was still using Facebook. He said, “it’s a good way to share baby pictures”. Users of a certain age will be aware of all of their friends with babies because most of these people include their babies Right In Their Profile Pictures. Usually, these proud new parental types will feature themselves and their darling angel with them, in a pose of domestic bliss or singular happiness. I would encourage these parents not to do this. Profile pictures are public. Anyone searching through a local network for babies to abduct has an easy way to find a target. There are a lot of sick people out there, don’t make it easy for them to insert themselves into your life.

There are other chthonic aspects to be concerned about. The (conspiracy?) theory that Facebook was funded by a bunch of neocons with a big DARPA seed grant to track individuals’ transactions on the internet is not as far-fetched as it sounds. The genius here is that users voluntarily enter their information. It is not a very well-kept secret that one of the perks of working at Facebook is that the employees get to browse user profiles and see what people are really up to in there. That, to say the least, does not speak well for how they respect their users’ privacy and data. The only reason I can see them (Facebook The Company) resisting handing over their databases to some shady government agency is if they thought it might get out and hurt their pre-IPO impressions.

And then there’s Beacon. Oh Facebook Beacon, you are amazing in your intrusiveness. Someone with Beacon installed who visits an “e-tailer” and buys something, broadcasts their purchase to all their friends. This effectively gives Facebook a window into other websites you may frequent. Great marketing? Sort of, because since these people are a network of friends, the seller gets to advertise to a group of like-minded people about what one of their own is buying. Spammy? You bet. I don’t need to hear when Phil buys another P.G. Wodehouse book from Amazon. Invasive? Oh, probably.

Lastly, there’s all the hype and inflated valuations being tossed around. “Facebook’s worth 12 Billion Dollars!” wtf? On What Planet am I Living on? Yes, I understand that information is the new currency. I should. But imagine, you putting in all that effort to update your information, your friends, your purchasing history, your messages… All that information is going to get a few people at this company a shit-ton of money. What’ll you get out of it? Better targeted marketing! (and maybe a Poke! or two)

The combined might of big pharmacy needs to band together to build a patch to help people quit Facebook. There’s good money there, and I’m just giving this idea away.

1. when you “deactivate your account” all of your profile information is still in there. They tell you this when you do it. I’ve heard stories from other brave people who’ve tried to actually get their data deleted that it is really quite difficult. My solution was lazier, I just wiped out all of my profile data through the interface. Then got tons of messages like, “omgzorz! you’n'dria broked ups?” Well, ok, not tons of messages. I got two.